I Love My Wolf

In the previous post, I talked about the wolf in me. I've received a mail from a friend who thought that this wolf is evil, thinking that I might be implying that I'm evil.

 Believe it or not, I love my wolf. I don't see it as evil at all. On the contrary I see it as a blessing from God. Yes I was a lamb but deep inside a wolf was growing feeding on the hurts, agonies, boundaries, and restrictions the lamb passed to him. It started young and then grew. It is now in its youth phase. At the beginning, my wolf gave me negative feelings and anger. It kept on biting many people that stand in its way. Thanks God I was aware of this and tried to control it as much as I can so that it does not bit everyone.

Now, I'm taming it. I'm talking to it, understanding it, and even loving it. Thanks to this wolf, I got some energy that I lost. Yes it was negative at the beginning and may be still little negative but not as strong as it started. I'm facing this negativity with positivity. I had the following conversation with my wolf and helped him understand:

Me: What do you want?

My Wolf: Freedom

Me: Then get it. No one will give it to you.

My Wolf: Everyone is giving himself the right to put fences even if they are covered with love and fear of confrontations and agonies. Everyone thinks I'm stable now, since nothing is changing. They don't know that I'm a free animal, who looks for change, who wants to explore the world, who can't stay in one place, who never enjoys stability. Stability is my reason of disturbance.

Me: Give yourself the right to reject restrictions that limit you or your change ambition. Seek your own freedom smartly. 

Calm down, use your smartness, cunning, and planning techniques in taking few little steps that with time will get you out and give you the power to leap to get what you want. Take hold of your freedom and don't ever let it go.

My Wolf: If I get my freedom I'll hurt many loved ones.

Me: For your loved ones, you are hurting them already with your unresolved anger. Have in mind that some of them had lived their lives the way they wanted and for them this might be the most perfect life. It might not be the same for you. Your loved ones have others to depend on. Your loved ones might get hurt in the beginning but then they may get used to and the hurt will minimize. If you are hurting them with your anger now, why don't you stop it. Keep the hurt till the moment when you have to pursuit your own life and dream; in your search for a meaning of  life that makes sense to you even if it doesn't make sense to anyone else.

My Wolf decided to be tamed, to think and plan, and replace the stupid anger. My Wolf started to love himself. He needs to start taking actions towards his dream. If he won't, he might get back to the anger state.

My wolf is a beautiful creature from God. It is beautiful and strong. At least now I have a voice that tells me don't take anymore hurts, don't cause any meaningless hurt, don't stop at boundaries, take risks, love and cherish yourself, respect your smartness, stand up for yourself, free yourself.....etc.

A Cry for Self Discovery

You might or might not wonder why it took me so long to write again. May be she lost interest in the writing thing, may  be she wasn't that serious from the first place, may be she is too busy, may be she is not thinking, reading, or doing anything, may be she has nothing to say, etc. If you know why tell me!

Since the last few months I've been in a state of complete passionless mind and soul. I can't find anything enthusiastic anymore, even my job that I love the most. Now I don't know whether I still love it or not. I believe I'm in a state of accepting everything that comes to me, without even stopping for a second to ask do I want it. Seems that I'm losing control of my life; not because I want to, it is because I don't know what I want anymore. I'm not used to be this kind of person; a state that irritates me, a state of meaninglessness.

I started analyzing my life, may be I'm bored for a while. I can engage myself in refreshing trips and outings. However, I couldn't enjoy these things as I was used to. Something is wrong, something that is deep inside me.

Not only this, I'm having an angry wolf in my heart, who is fiercely attacking anyone who is trying to captivate him or who previously caused him hurt; intentionally or unintentionally... A wolf who prefers to be alone and deal with his anger instead of hurting others... A wolf who is yearning for breaking through everything is his life... A wolf who is looking for meaning, a meaning of  life that makes sense to him even if it doesn't make sense to anyone else.

May be I'm saturated, I can't do the same things again, even the same trips and joyful activities. I need change. May be I need an escape. I can't bear people anymore, even close ones. I can't swallow their hurting actions anymore. I can't pretend coldness of feelings anymore. I can't hide my sensitivity anymore.

The New me is also bored of commitments. I can't take any commitments and  don't want to. May be this is the only thing I know I don't want. I can't make or promise any short-term or long-term commitment to anything or to anybody.

May be I needed to be silent for a while and listen to my soul and pay attention to God's signs. May be I need to question my new needs. Why am I no more satisfied and thrilled with things that used to give me ultimate satisfaction? Do I need to change my life mission, which was originally affected by my life necessities and NOT by what I want deep inside? Do I want something different or am I looking for an escape? A lot of questions that are spinning my mind looking for answers, do you have the same questions? If yes, would like to take the trip of self-discovery with me?

I'll tell what I'm doing and if you have any other suggestions, please share them with me:
1- I'm doing a lot of thinking questioning my actions, emotions, and needs
2- Recording what I'm observing
3- Analyzing my observations
4- Talking to people who may understand what I'm saying
5- Talking with strangers who don't even know me but have been there like me (one of the things I prayed God for and He answered my prayer)
6- Reading a book called "I can do anything only if I know what it was" to discover what I want

I've not reached a lot yet but I'm doing this to save myself that I no more understand.