I Love My Wolf

In the previous post, I talked about the wolf in me. I've received a mail from a friend who thought that this wolf is evil, thinking that I might be implying that I'm evil.

 Believe it or not, I love my wolf. I don't see it as evil at all. On the contrary I see it as a blessing from God. Yes I was a lamb but deep inside a wolf was growing feeding on the hurts, agonies, boundaries, and restrictions the lamb passed to him. It started young and then grew. It is now in its youth phase. At the beginning, my wolf gave me negative feelings and anger. It kept on biting many people that stand in its way. Thanks God I was aware of this and tried to control it as much as I can so that it does not bit everyone.

Now, I'm taming it. I'm talking to it, understanding it, and even loving it. Thanks to this wolf, I got some energy that I lost. Yes it was negative at the beginning and may be still little negative but not as strong as it started. I'm facing this negativity with positivity. I had the following conversation with my wolf and helped him understand:

Me: What do you want?

My Wolf: Freedom

Me: Then get it. No one will give it to you.

My Wolf: Everyone is giving himself the right to put fences even if they are covered with love and fear of confrontations and agonies. Everyone thinks I'm stable now, since nothing is changing. They don't know that I'm a free animal, who looks for change, who wants to explore the world, who can't stay in one place, who never enjoys stability. Stability is my reason of disturbance.

Me: Give yourself the right to reject restrictions that limit you or your change ambition. Seek your own freedom smartly. 

Calm down, use your smartness, cunning, and planning techniques in taking few little steps that with time will get you out and give you the power to leap to get what you want. Take hold of your freedom and don't ever let it go.

My Wolf: If I get my freedom I'll hurt many loved ones.

Me: For your loved ones, you are hurting them already with your unresolved anger. Have in mind that some of them had lived their lives the way they wanted and for them this might be the most perfect life. It might not be the same for you. Your loved ones have others to depend on. Your loved ones might get hurt in the beginning but then they may get used to and the hurt will minimize. If you are hurting them with your anger now, why don't you stop it. Keep the hurt till the moment when you have to pursuit your own life and dream; in your search for a meaning of  life that makes sense to you even if it doesn't make sense to anyone else.

My Wolf decided to be tamed, to think and plan, and replace the stupid anger. My Wolf started to love himself. He needs to start taking actions towards his dream. If he won't, he might get back to the anger state.

My wolf is a beautiful creature from God. It is beautiful and strong. At least now I have a voice that tells me don't take anymore hurts, don't cause any meaningless hurt, don't stop at boundaries, take risks, love and cherish yourself, respect your smartness, stand up for yourself, free yourself.....etc.

A Cry for Self Discovery

You might or might not wonder why it took me so long to write again. May be she lost interest in the writing thing, may  be she wasn't that serious from the first place, may be she is too busy, may be she is not thinking, reading, or doing anything, may be she has nothing to say, etc. If you know why tell me!

Since the last few months I've been in a state of complete passionless mind and soul. I can't find anything enthusiastic anymore, even my job that I love the most. Now I don't know whether I still love it or not. I believe I'm in a state of accepting everything that comes to me, without even stopping for a second to ask do I want it. Seems that I'm losing control of my life; not because I want to, it is because I don't know what I want anymore. I'm not used to be this kind of person; a state that irritates me, a state of meaninglessness.

I started analyzing my life, may be I'm bored for a while. I can engage myself in refreshing trips and outings. However, I couldn't enjoy these things as I was used to. Something is wrong, something that is deep inside me.

Not only this, I'm having an angry wolf in my heart, who is fiercely attacking anyone who is trying to captivate him or who previously caused him hurt; intentionally or unintentionally... A wolf who prefers to be alone and deal with his anger instead of hurting others... A wolf who is yearning for breaking through everything is his life... A wolf who is looking for meaning, a meaning of  life that makes sense to him even if it doesn't make sense to anyone else.

May be I'm saturated, I can't do the same things again, even the same trips and joyful activities. I need change. May be I need an escape. I can't bear people anymore, even close ones. I can't swallow their hurting actions anymore. I can't pretend coldness of feelings anymore. I can't hide my sensitivity anymore.

The New me is also bored of commitments. I can't take any commitments and  don't want to. May be this is the only thing I know I don't want. I can't make or promise any short-term or long-term commitment to anything or to anybody.

May be I needed to be silent for a while and listen to my soul and pay attention to God's signs. May be I need to question my new needs. Why am I no more satisfied and thrilled with things that used to give me ultimate satisfaction? Do I need to change my life mission, which was originally affected by my life necessities and NOT by what I want deep inside? Do I want something different or am I looking for an escape? A lot of questions that are spinning my mind looking for answers, do you have the same questions? If yes, would like to take the trip of self-discovery with me?

I'll tell what I'm doing and if you have any other suggestions, please share them with me:
1- I'm doing a lot of thinking questioning my actions, emotions, and needs
2- Recording what I'm observing
3- Analyzing my observations
4- Talking to people who may understand what I'm saying
5- Talking with strangers who don't even know me but have been there like me (one of the things I prayed God for and He answered my prayer)
6- Reading a book called "I can do anything only if I know what it was" to discover what I want

I've not reached a lot yet but I'm doing this to save myself that I no more understand.

Qoutes by Chance

You weren’t an accident. You weren’t mass produced. You aren’t an assembly line product. You were deliberately planned, specifically gifted, and lovingly positioned on the earth by the Master Craftsman.

Max Lucado

 

People deal too much with the negative, with what is wrong. Why not try and see positive things, to just touch those things and make them bloom?

Thich Nhat Hanh

Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some stay for a while, leave footprints on our hearts, and we are never, ever the same.

Flavia Weedn

A friend is one who knows us, but loves us anyway.

Jerome Cummings

 

Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.

Dale Carnegie

 

When the world pushes you to your knees,

you are in a perfect position to pray.

A religious quote (thanks Diane!)

 

When you say a situation or a person is hopeless, you are slamming the door in the face of God.

Charles Allen

 

We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.

Oscar Wilde

 

Love is not blind — it sees more, not less. But because it sees more, it is willing to see less.

Rabbi J. Gordon

 

Money can’t buy you happiness. But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.

Spike Milligan

 

It was a high counsel that I once heard given to a young person, "Always do what you are afraid to do."

Ralph Waldo Emerson

 

Work spares us from three evils: boredom, vice, and need.

Voltaire

 

You cannot plough a field by

turning it over in your mind.

Author Unknown

 

The best way out is always through.

Robert Frost

 

Knowing is not enough; we must apply.

Willing is not enough; we must do.

Johann Wolfgang von Goethe 

First say to yourself what you would be;

and then do what you have to do.

Epictetus

 

Refuse to be ill. Never tell people you are ill; never own it to yourself. Illness is one of those things which a man should resist on principle at the onset.

Lytton

 

Choose rather to be strong in soul than in body.

Pythagoras

 

Nothing is predestined: The obstacles of your past can become the gateways that lead to new beginnings.

Ralph Blum

Qoutes by Chance (Happiness)

Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.

Groucho Marx

 

There is only one person who could ever make you happy, and that person is you.
David Burns, Intimate Connections

 

Happiness is not achieved by the conscious pursuit of happiness; it is generally the by-product of other activities.
Aldous Huxley

 

When one door of happiness closes, another opens, but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one that has been opened for us.
Helen Keller

The secret of happiness, you see, is not found in seeking more, but in developing the capacity to enjoy less.

Socrates

Money can’t buy you happiness. But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.

Spike Milligan

Happy are those who dream dreams and are ready to pay the price to make them come true.

Leon J. Suenes

Up in the Air! Wooooooooooow

Up in the Air, What a fascinating experience! Go up, get ungrounded! Go up, get loose! Go up, get free! Go up, get untied! Go up, become carefree! A state when you have no responsibilities towards others or may be even yourself. Unload your backpack from all connections to things and also to others. Go Ahead, move fast, get up in the Air! Wow that’s wonderful!

This is the feeling you first get in Up in the Air movie, carefree, freedom, sweet self-indulgence, fast steps.

Ryan Bingham is a man who spends his life traveling from one state to another. He earns his living from firing people. He spent 322 days on the road, meaning he "wasted" 43 days at "home" a year.

His dream is to achieve ten million frequent flier miles and have his name written on a plane. He disconnected himself from any kind of relationship commitment, whether to family members, a wife, or even a love relation. According to him "Make no mistake your relationships are the heaviest components in your life." He even lectures people on this philosophy "What's in your Backpack?" He motivates people to get free from any kind of connection whether to staff or people that prevent them from moving faster. Empty your Backpack so that you move faster.

On the professional level, being disconnected makes Ryan an excellent terminator. He fires people with a smile, speaks to them about other opportunities, takes in their rage and anger, feels no pity for anyone, he is doing his job heartlessly or may be professionally. He describes his job saying "Our job is to make limbo tolerable - To ferry wounded souls across the river of dread and humiliation and self-doubt to the point at which hope's bright shore is dimly visible... And then to stop the boat, shove them in the water, and make them swim while we row back to the place of their banishment to present the employer with other bill".

Throughout the movie Ryan travels from one state to another in a way that makes the viewer feels tired looking for the ground to settle down. Everything he does is so mechanical in each airport and hotel. In one of his trips, he meets Alex; his female counterpart; a women who is also up in the air just like him. They start a casual relationship. They agree to meet whenever their roads cross each other.

On the family level, Ryan's disconnection from his sisters makes them treat him as stranger. On his little sister's wedding rehearsal dinner, it was hard for him to realize that his sisters treat him as a stranger. When he suggested to walk his own little sister down the aisle, he was told that her fiance's uncle will do "He's been really supportive". It has been already arranged. On asking when to go to the ceremony, he was told "Guests are arriving around 5. Things get going at 5:30..So you know, around then". He has never been there, so why would they think of him as family, why would they count on him to fill their deceased father place. This was the first shock that made him start to realize the consequences of his life philosophy.

Kara; his elder sister, asked him to persuade the bridegroom who got freak on the marriage date to go on with making his marriage commitment to their little sister. Ryan commented that though he is a motivational speaker, he can't do so. Simply, because his job is to persuade people AVOID commitments. Kara comments "Stupid philosophy...Fear of commitment is simply a reflection of what someone carves". However, he found that he should start doing something for his family. He explained to the bridegroom how marriage is a meaningless commitment without any point in it (As Ryan Believes) but he asked him one question: Think of the times when you were happy, were you alone? He answered NO. Then, the answer was sufficient in convincing the bridegroom of marriage commitment.

On the personal level, when Ryan received his sister's wedding invitation, he asked Alex to be his date.For the first time in his life he doesn't want to appear in parties alone. He would be glad if Alex would be his date then. 

Ryan: Look. You Know. I'm not the wedding type. But for the first time in  my life...I want a dancing partner. I want a plus one. And if you can stomach it, I'd like it to be you.

It was very obvious that Ryan started to develop real feelings towards Alex which he found reciprocal. Alex agreed and they spent a lovely time together. They went to Ryan's school, actually they broke in. They exchanged loving glances, danced, had fun at the wedding more like a married couple deeply in love.

Following these incidents, Ryan was invited to speak about his "Backpack Philosophy" in a prestigious International Convention Mall, he was yearning for. He started his session:

Ryan: Imagine for a second that you are carrying a backpack...I want you to feel the straps in your shoulders..you fell them?

Ryan isn't feeling them. He is not inspired. He isn't believable. He's barely even there.

Ryan: Now I want you to pack it with all the stuff you have in your life. Start with the little things.

Ryan is trying, but he can't find the will to do it.

Ryan: The...um...The stuff in the drawers and on the shelves.

Ryan takes a beat and steps back. He stares at the backpack on the table and thinks about the things and people he removed from it...And then...

Ryan: Excuse me

He can't preach it anymore. He ran out of the hall. Flew to Chicago, to Alex, for the first time in his life, he wants connection, a ground, a tie, love, no more self-indulgence, not only surrounded but accompanied... As Alex opens her house door to him, he sees kids screaming, running on the stairs, and a husband asking "Who is it Honey" "Just some guy who was lost". And the door is slammed.

Frankly, my heart as viewer sank down with Ryan's heart who was speechless and emotionally bleeding to death. I moved from being up in the air to the underground. Later, when Alex called him,

Alex: How could you just show up at my door like that?

Ryan: What do you mean? I wanted to see you. I didn't know you have a family, because you never told me.

Alex: Come on, I thought we signed up for the same thing.

Ryan: Try to help me understand. What is it you signed up for?

Alex: I thought our relationship was perfectly clear. It's...an escape.

Ryan: I'm an escape

Alex: You know, a break from our normal lives...A parenthesis.

Ryan: I'm a parenthesis?

Ryan: I thought I was part of your real life.

Alex: Look, Ryan. I'm a grown up. I don't hold a grudge. When you're ready to be adult and have fun again, just give me a call

Ryan couldn't believe what he was hearing, he just hang up. Yes that was what was originally planned for their casual relationship, but he couldn't help feeling attached, tied, and real love...feelings that he believed were reciprocal...Far from causality, escape, parenthesis...Also, even Alex is not a Backpack believer, she has a real life filled with people and family relations. When she is up in the air, she gets a break from real life, responsibilities, and commitments, but not leading an up in the air life...She is NOT his female counterpart as he once thought.

In his way  back home, Ryan's dream for ten million frequent flier miles came true. The flight attendant announced that Ryan hit the ten million mile flight. Ryan didn't show any reaction. He was just stunned...telling the plane pilot "You know how many times I've thought of this moment? Played out the conversation I've with you right here...You know...I...I  can't remember". This is the time, when a dream comes true, you realize this not your dream anymore. When a dream comes true, you realize you are NOT that anxious or even thrilled. When a dream comes true, you realize how superficial this dream was. When a dream comes true, you realize that for this dream you scarified you own precious life. When a dream comes true, you can't even recall any of the happy scenarios you imagined for this moment.

Back to work, Ryan's manager decided he would be back in the air. Ryan accepted the decision in an attempt to proceed with the life he willingly chose for himself. He realized that sometimes it may become tooooooooo late.

The movie final featured Ryan at the airport back to work.

Ryan: Tonight, most of the people will be welcomed home by jumping dogs and squealing kids. Their spouses will ask about their day and tonight they'll sleep...The stars will wheel forth from their daytime hiding places, crowning their neighborhood with lights....And one of those lights, slightly brighter than the rest, will be my wingtip, passing over, blessing them...