Since the last few months I've been in a state of complete passionless mind and soul. I can't find anything enthusiastic anymore, even my job that I love the most. Now I don't know whether I still love it or not. I believe I'm in a state of accepting everything that comes to me, without even stopping for a second to ask do I want it. Seems that I'm losing control of my life; not because I want to, it is because I don't know what I want anymore. I'm not used to be this kind of person; a state that irritates me, a state of meaninglessness.
I started analyzing my life, may be I'm bored for a while. I can engage myself in refreshing trips and outings. However, I couldn't enjoy these things as I was used to. Something is wrong, something that is deep inside me.
May be I'm saturated, I can't do the same things again, even the same trips and joyful activities. I need change. May be I need an escape. I can't bear people anymore, even close ones. I can't swallow their hurting actions anymore. I can't pretend coldness of feelings anymore. I can't hide my sensitivity anymore.
The New me is also bored of commitments. I can't take any commitments and don't want to. May be this is the only thing I know I don't want. I can't make or promise any short-term or long-term commitment to anything or to anybody.May be I needed to be silent for a while and listen to my soul and pay attention to God's signs. May be I need to question my new needs. Why am I no more satisfied and thrilled with things that used to give me ultimate satisfaction? Do I need to change my life mission, which was originally affected by my life necessities and NOT by what I want deep inside? Do I want something different or am I looking for an escape? A lot of questions that are spinning my mind looking for answers, do you have the same questions? If yes, would like to take the trip of self-discovery with me?
I'll tell what I'm doing and if you have any other suggestions, please share them with me:
1- I'm doing a lot of thinking questioning my actions, emotions, and needs
2- Recording what I'm observing
3- Analyzing my observations
4- Talking to people who may understand what I'm saying
5- Talking with strangers who don't even know me but have been there like me (one of the things I prayed God for and He answered my prayer)
6- Reading a book called "I can do anything only if I know what it was" to discover what I want
I've not reached a lot yet but I'm doing this to save myself that I no more understand.
Congratulations for the success of self expression :-)
ReplyDeleteI am really glad you are doing this and really hope that you will find what you are searching for so soooon.
I can not tell if I ever felt the same or not, or may be I can tell you this:
The feeling of losing my passion for every thing (yes)
The feeling of failing to enjoy things that I usually enjoy (yes)
The reason was too much thinking and analysis, and trying to fix things that are too deep by outings and gatherings which did not work.
The solution: (Please be noted that I am not 100% cured but at least I made progress) I searched inside me for the meaning of life (according to me). I searched for my vision, I dedicated time to find it and I did. It gave me a relief to be able to imagine a satisfactory vision, to see what are the things that if came true I would be satisfied. I felt so energetic at first, but couldn't complete the planning couldn't finish the action plan if you know what I mean. Then I was lost again, lost in the routine of every day life. Four months later, I woke up with this energy to complete what I started. And here I am, swaying between accomplishing what I find meaning at, and between obeying the easy way of living. By the way I started with the simplest things, may be cause I didn't reach the state of anger that you feel.
My opinion: 1st, get rid of this wolf, cause as long as he is in your mind, the break through will be your only solution. I want you to see other options even if you will chose to break through at the end. But it would be a choice of relief not a choice of escape.
Hope this would help you by any means.
Keep up the self expression.
Shimo,
ReplyDeleteThe first success is that you finally do express yourself which it sounds too good.
I think you are on the right road, but you still need more time and patience. Discovery of yourself is a very hard process, and it needs years not days.
Your list is good, but you need to express yourself more and more. Choose one you trust, then talk and express what you feel without trying to think before talking.
I think you need a trip, long and remote one, to go away and leave your job, place, family, country, and people you see every day. This trip, with its new country, place, food, and friends, will give your life the required balance.
Luv U sooooooooooooo much
It really surprised me to hear from you all these feelings disturbance especially today as I've just read an e-mail which recommends the reading of daily and for a long time a month or more سورة البقرة in time of agony, despair and illness inshallah it works. I also have a mix of negative feelings towards myself but I feel that we have to show love and care to ourselves by ourselves i.e. we have to spoil ourselves.Conquer these feelings. Stay away from pessimistic people and those who always ignite sorrow and frustration.Try to make any change in you. Change your look, your way of dress anything copetely new that you aren;t used to do. Don't forget to try reading
ReplyDeleteالبقرة
love you habebi
18\10\2010
Miss you ya Mango ya habiby.You know you are the closest person to my heart. I don't
ReplyDeleteknow why tears come to my eye :) I'm really very sensitive these days.
For me, don't worry at all. Writing this post, means that I'm getting much
better AlHamudullah. May be not completely cured but on the way Inshaa Allah.
For your advice, The Bakra chapter is my favorite chapter in the holly qura'n.
Inshaa Allah I'll listen or read it every day.
For making a change in my looks, I think you noticed my interest in wearing make
up lately. I'm doing it my dear but it is not enough. Yes I'm spoiling myself
but I need to know what I want in life and work on getting it.
For people, I'm trying to avoid negative people but of course you can't escape
them. They are everywhere my dear. You have to learn how to hear them BUT NOT to
listen to them.
Love you more than you can ever imagine ya my companion
I read your blog, and the comments, I liked them all. And I think they are all
ReplyDeletecorrect. I just wonder why you think you are a wolf inside, is this a feeling of
not loving yourself enough? You seem to say that you pretend to be a lamb, but
you are evil inside. Why don't you love yourself enough, and why don't you give
yourself the right to control your life. You have started on the right path by
writing what you feel. Dumping all these thoughts will help you get rid of the
negative energies. When you end all the dumping, you will find that the good and
pure lovely thoughts will come out. Just keep writing, whether on the blog or
privately to yourself. This process is important, but remember that you are a
beautiful creature of God and that we are all created to be happy and love life.
It is not a long process, but it has ups and downs. Just forgive yourself, love
yourself, pick up yourself when you fall, then get up and say that you love life
and yourself and keep moving on.
Lots of love,
Salwa
Dear Dr. Salwa,
ReplyDeleteThanks a lot for the care to reply and show me support.
1- For the wolf, I don't see it as evil. It is a beautiful creature from God. It
is beautiful and strong. Just that I used to be a lamb by compacting my anger and hiding the hurt caused by loved ones. But seems that I can't go on compacting this anger. I didn't notice the wolf residing inside swallowing this
anger and hurt. It was just a young wolf. Now it grew inside of me replacing the lamb gradually. I realized this and so I want to calm this wolf down. I want to free him without hurting others. You won't believe it I feel this wolf is a blessing that gave me energy even if it was a negative one. Now when I realized it I started facing the negative energy with every positive energy. I started to
analyze this negativity and discuss with myself its reasons and find ways to solve it and turn it to positive feelings and actions. I love this wolf and I want to keep it. At least now I have something that tells me don't take anymore hurts, stand up for yourself, free yourself.
2- For loving myself, I used to love myself for things that I no more love or is enthusiastic about. Now I'm not hating myself. I just don't love it as I used to be. I'm searching for how to love myself again.
By the way, I have been in this state since June 2009. I didn't understand why I'm not happy. By time I lost a lot of things I lost my happiness, my passion, my attachment to things. I wasn't able to talk because I didn't know how or what is happening to me. I couldn't even talk to myself. Since the last few months I
started the analysis and the writing phase. I kept writing things (SMS) sharing some with particular people and not sharing others. I couldn't express myself till I started to understand. It was yesterday only that life threw its enlightening shades on me. I started jotting down what I really want regardless
of any boundaries, I payed attention to God's signs and all of them shaded lights on what I want.
I'm happy and optimistic that I wrote this post since for a year and 4 months I wasn't able to even express myself.
Lots of love to you too,
Shimaa
I hear you Shimaa
ReplyDeleteI hear you very well, it’s as if you r talking through me, unfortunately I cant help you as im in the very same situation
I don’t knw what I want anymore and nothing makes any sense anymore, I was sure of everything in my life and every single step but it all vanished and I just don’t knw !
Many love,
R.
Look y habibity. I realized something that might be useful for you. You know I've been there like you since June 2009. I couldn't even express myself because I didn't understand. I took the steps I listed in the Cry post. I realized something very interesting. I was accepting life as is. I didn't think whether I genuinely want it this way or not.
ReplyDeleteTry to talk to yourself, observe your emotions and actions, analyze your feelings and wants. At first you may not understand what you want. Then think of what you don't want. It took me a year and half thinking till I was able to understand and thus express myself.
When you think of what you want don't be restricted by anything even your current reality. Don't be restricted by anyone.Free yourself and your mind. Think do I like the same things? If the answer is No. Do I like the opposite or contrary things? may be! Why I use to like these things? Try to think of the values that these things used to satisfy in you. Do you still cherish these values or they have changed? If you still cherish these values, think of other ways to satisfy them. If you no more cherish them, think of the values you now believe in.
When you start to realize the things you dream of and the values you genuinely want to keep, write them down, keep on looking at them and pay attention to God's signs that we are used to call coincidences. At certain point you will get a shade of light that helps you connect everything in fulfilling dream.
Take the journey with me. I'll keep posting. Be free to talk to me any time you like. Just send me an email. You don't know how much I wish to help as I wish to be helped. You are helping me already since you are giving me more energy my dear.
Watch Eat, Pray, Love, I loved the quote "Ruin is a gift. Ruin is the road to transformation."
Have a fulfilling life my dear friend and many love to you too,
Shimaa
I really appreciate your reply this really helped, i couldn’t agree more abt the reason “ accepting life as is” I just feel lately that life is getting out of my control and no matter what I planned for lately it just not working because of uncnotrolable circumstances so I just stopped planning stopped thinking I just stopped actually living !
ReplyDeleteAnd yeah I bought the book eat pray and love coz I felt I can really relate and yeps it kinda helps J
I knw it will be a long journey but here I come J
R.
In this case you need a break. I had a break from thinking and planning for 9 months or more. As you said I felt that I can't control and I stopped living. Just insist that you will not keep this kill your love to your own self.
ReplyDeleteTake your time, don't be hard on yourself, don't plan. After sometime observe your actions, emotions, and reactions. Write down what you observe. When you are done with the livingless thing, you will have your observations that you can think of to understand yourself and know what you want.
BTW I haven't finished the journey yet but I'm done with the steps above. You can discover other way as well. If you do, tell me :) You must be at least proud that you have this kind of self awareness.
Take good care of yourself you deserve the best
Shimaa
Good luck in your journey :) I am starting my own now too ....... but do u know what the strange thing is: this is not my first time to go for this journey. I went before but do not know if i am backing my bags again and heading off because i though i found myself last time and this was not true, or because we have to go for this journey over and over again as long as we are living. I hope the last will be the true answer :)
ReplyDeleteH.
Actually this is my second time too.
ReplyDeleteBut you know what, I realized that in my first journey, I wanted the expected from me or what I'm skilled at NOT What I really loved or wanted by heart.
I still don't know whether we have to go for this journey over and over again as long as we are living or not.
But What I know is that even if I might have several journeys in life, it is a blessing. Knowing myself, I'm not ok with stable, changeless, and secure life.
Take this test from Oprah's website, it is not based on your skills it is based on what you are:
http://www.oprah.com/money/Whats-the-Best-Career-for-You_2
It is one of the things that helped me understand myself.